Bipolar Badass: A Job Description

You guys. I wrote this in 2014, but I wanted to share because it’s still relevant and *on brand*

Position Description

The Bipolar Bad Ass is responsible for challenging the status quo by keeping abreast with current exercise fads (see duties and responsibilities), emoting, inspiring, wallowing, encouraging creativity, and varying emotional range.

Duties and Responsibilities:

  • Ensures sleek optimal operation and maintenance of brain equipment by adhering to medication regiment, therapy, limiting caffeine, limiting alcohol and drug intake, healthy nutrition, and exercise.
  • In other words, imagine your brain is akin to Richard Simmons. Put that thing in short shorts, tanktops, and frazzled hair. Squeeze that thing into normalcy every damn day just like he does with his buns.
  • Alternatively, if you prefer leotards and leg warmers a la Jane Fonda, “Go for the burn! Sweat!” Make that brain work on other things. We call these distractions. Get a damned hobby and sweat the crazy out of your pores.
  • Perhaps your exercise fad of choice was Billy Blanks’ Tae Bo. Pretend the world is your proverbial punching bag. Then double time the shit out of it.
  • Let’s get more modern. Zumba that shit. Is Zumba still a thing? Well insert latest exercise fad here and do that.
  • Be a connoisseur of day-of-the week med trays. This is the subtle, seasoned bipolar person’s convenient way of not announcing to the world that we take four different pills thirteen different times a day. When someone asks what the pills are for, declare they are for gas. All of them. Remember you are brazen.
  • Wears Satan’s tail and rabbit ears at the same time and hope nobody notices.
  • Other duties as assigned.

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Skills/ Qualifications:

  • Minimum of one year experience plummeting to the gorges of the soul and careening through the cosmos ready to be worthy of having a star named after oneself for the low price of 19.95.
  • Commitment to throwing extravagant pity parties in bed by closing the curtains, enveloping oneself in darkness, swaddling self with blankets, and listening to one’s favorite bipolar musicians be it Nirvana or Neutral Milk Hotel or Bright Eyes or even or Kanye West.
  • Charismatic
  • Ability to maintain patience in dealing with people especially hippies and well-meaning sorts who question bipolar individuals for taking medications which they think are just “putting the poisons into our bodies, man.” If you’re manic and irritable as hell, then tell hippies to smile and put down their joints and/ or molly and/or hula hoops and/ or glow sticks, and/ or tye-dye and/or Grateful Dead away, then see how that boils over with them.
  • Rapid speech and communication
  • Openness to asking for help

Preferred:

  • Ability to maintain patience with people who insist that you should just smile and be happy! Look at the sun! Fluffy bunnies, rainbows, puppies!
  • Experience in crawling, clawing apart the stratosphere trying not to let it cave in.
  • Passionate commitment to whatever cause that you are into at that very moment, ever evolving as exercise fads.
  • Connoisseur of ideas.
  • Scars of former facial piercings you thought were a good idea but really weren’t.
  • Ability to apologize and make reparations for mistakes made due to illness.

Supervision:

  • Reports directly to psychiatrist, therapist, pharmacist, family, and friends. When psychiatrically hospitalized, the patient reports to nurses, psychiatric technicians, occupational therapists, social workers, addiction counselors, activity therapists, and music therapists in addition to the above.

Compensation:

  • Contributes to society by creating works of art, music, writing, screenplays, films, or all of the above. Think about the romantic correlation between madness and creativity. This correlation dates back to Plato, who described the poet as one possessed by a “divine madness” and Aristotle who said “no great imaginative power without a dash of madness.
  • Exists in fragments and filaments. We are society’s supernovas.
  • Also, ask Richard Simmons because we have the best buns.

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